


Lois, Superman, Clark, and Lex

by clouder (selfinduced)



Category: Smallville
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-04-13
Updated: 2004-04-13
Packaged: 2017-10-10 19:02:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/103099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selfinduced/pseuds/clouder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's like Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane...only, not...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lois, Superman, Clark, and Lex

**Author's Note:**

> There was this "breakup letter generator" thing and I was fiddling with it. I was like 17 at the time, don't judge me.

So one day, Clark is rifling through his mail before he has to go out on patrol when he notices two letters that stand out among the junk. One has 'Daily Planet' stamped in the corner and bears Lois' name, and the other lavendar, and smells like some flower Clark doesn't know the name of but he knows Lex likes it. Orchids of some sort. Being the busy superhero that he is, Clark reads them at superspeed.

Lois's letter to Clark

>   
> 
>
>>   
> Dear ~~Smallville~~ Clark,
>> 
>> Writing this letter is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. (Actually, it’s not, but I’m trying to be nice and pretend that it is, so suck it up.) You should’ve noticed by now that I really have no interest in you. I mean, at first it was kinda cool. Having a charming little farm boy hanging on to my every word, bending over my desk to insert disks and that affinity for showing up in random places shirtless--
>> 
>> But anyway, the point is, ~~I think you’re really gay~~ I have a fetish for primary-colored spandex unitards. That is to say, uh, Superman is hotter than you. (Hotter, more powerful, can fly, etc etc…)
>> 
>> So like, please get off my case and stop mooning over me, because we are NOT dating. Ever. (Maybe if Superman disappears, but that’s probably not gonna to happen ‘cause he’s invincible and all that shit. So yeah, never.)
>> 
>> I should probably wait to send this when I’m not drunk, but who cares.
>> 
>> Here’s wishing you the best of luck with other pieces of meat that aren’t shaped like me,  
> Lois  
> 
> 
>   
> 

  


Lex's letter to Clark

>   
> 
>
>> Dear Clark,
>> 
>> I want you to know that I never thought it would come to this. I mean, I know you’re straight and I’ve always respected that. Hell, I even tried to hook you up with Lana. So believe me when I say that I had no intention of ever letting you know how I really felt.
>> 
>> Until now.
>> 
>> You see, the minute you started flying around I that ~~ridiculous~~ wonderfully revealing outfit, I realized that you weren’t really straight. I mean, maybe you think you are, but you are SO not. Though you’re probably not aware of this, what with the enormous amount of repression you went through just by living in a small Kansas farm town like Smallville with a father like Jonathan. Not that I’m insulting your father or anything. He’s a great man. I just wish he didn’t somehow instinctively know that I had ulterior motives when it came to you.
>> 
>> But my intentions were good! I was never going to give in and _actually_ bend you over my desk and fuck you two ways till Sunday. Or in front of the fireplace. Or the kitchen counter. And especially not in your dorm-room in college where I _knew_ you jacked off every afternoon before I came to pick you up because I could smell it and it drove me _nuts_.
>> 
>> No, I never planned to take advantage of you. And I’m not going to start now. What I’m really trying to say is, ~~you’re gay~~ I understand why you did it, but you should really reconsider picking up ~~skanky~~ female reporters when you could be ~~with~~ picking me up instead.  
> And I don’t just mean picking up as in flying, because we’ve done that already and _boy_ was it fun…
>> 
>> Yours forever, any way you want me,  
> Lex
> 
>   
> 

After giving the matter a lot of thought and consideration--all of which takes up about two minutes, during which Clark manages to accidentally get high on the stash of marijuana Jimmy left at his apartment last friday--Clark writes back. Well, he writes back to Lois, being too high to understand what the hell Lex is saying to him and how he should respond.

Clark's response to Lois

>   
> 
>
>> Dear Lois,
>> 
>> This is Clark. I mean, I guess you could’ve figured that out already if you looked at the bottom to see who signed it and all but I thought I should tell you in case you didn’t, because that’s the nice and polite thing to do. (By the way, I am NOT rambling. I am just stating facts. So stop giving me that dirty look, or rather, giving this letter a dirty look. It‘s not like this is an article. And how do you know the paper isn‘t offended?)
>> 
>> So anyway, you want to break up with me, huh?
>> 
>> I hate to tell you this, but we weren’t dating. And I wasn’t hitting on you. (Actually, I have no sexual interest in you whatsoever, but it’s not nice to say that. And I am nice. My mother said so.) And it’s not because I’m gay! (If I was gay, _I_ would be the one flying around in PRIDE spandex. But I am NOT. So I am not. Superman is.) And what do you mean I was bending over your desk? You were looking at my ass all those times you said you needed me to put in your disks for you because you didn’t know how? Pervert! (Wait, how did it look? Do the yellow suit-pants make it look fat?)
>> 
>> Well, I have nothing more to say to you, other than that I think you’re crazy. And that I think your writing sucks when you’re drunk. Haha!
>> 
>> Clark.  
> (Who is not drunk! Because ~~Kryp~~ organic farm boys don’t _get_ drunk! They get high! HAHA!)
> 
>   
> 

Lois is a forgiving woman. She and Clark reconcile their differences by going on a shopping trip during which Lois teaches him how to be flaming. Or at least, to have a modicum of good taste when it comes to clothes when not under the influence of red kryptonite. She also gives him a lot of bullshit about 'being open with yourself' and 'communicating' and so, afterwards, Clark writes a letter to himself.

Clark's letter to himself. Er, Superman.

>   
> 
>
>> Dear Superman,
>> 
>> I know this might seem weird, since you’re really me and so I’m really just writing a letter to myself, but! I thought it might be a good way to open up the communication channels.  
> Becoming you made everyone think I’m gay. Which I’m not. You are.  
> Well, I guess we both are, what with the shared identity and all.  
> But anyway, the point is, LEX WANTS ~~ME~~ US.  
> I don’t know why you didn’t realize this before--I mean, you’re the gay part of me. Why didn’t you pick up like, I don’t know, invisible gay-rays on your gaydar and figure out that he wanted me? And if you DID know, I want you to know that it was very cruel of you to not let it on.  
> Do you have _any_ idea how hard it is to keep my hands off of Lex when he goes around being all slinky-hipped and molesting bottles and _looking_ at me like he wants eat me right there? Yes? Well, why didn’t you TELL me then?  
> Oh. Repression. Smallville. Right.  
> So anyway, I am going to go ‘pick Lex up’ as he put it, but I need it to be special. So I’m not going to wear the suit and become you, but I’m going to wear my new jeans that Lois said make my ass look nice. (She admitted that she liked staring at my ass, after she tried to break up with me! HA!) And that one shirt Chloe gave me. And the cologne Pete said I should wear.  
> Then I’m going to fly to South America and get that kind of orchid Lex likes straight from the source. I’ll ask Lex where he wants to go on our first date, anywhere in the world! And then I’ll fly us there.
>> 
>> So wish me luck!  
> Clark, the other you
> 
>   
> 

And so, it all happened as Clark said. Except the part he didn't mention about Lex's spiked-leather-dress fetish, because that came after the fourth date when Clark sort of moved in with Lex and the mass amount of monkey-sex eroded Clark's ability to 'communicate' coherently with ~~Superman~~ himself.

The End.


End file.
